Category Archives: Discoveries

I Do A Lot Of Things For The Funny

A scene from my life…

Tuesday, June 17th
Roughly 5:30 pm

Moments after the dental hygienist has finished torturing me to discover the location of the Sankara stones* the dentist saunters in…
My dentist is your standard big practice, fancy car, summer vactions in the islands kinda guy and he looks at me with a general disinterest.

While he sets up behind me I quitely wait.

That chair-head-rest-thing goes down and my dentist looks down at me with a pair of over-sized jewlers glasses. Not giving him the chance to get one of those giant metal hooks near my mouth I look back up at him, smile, and say:
“What’s up doc?”

He gives me a half hearted chuckle, furrows his brow, and replies dryly:
“How long have you’ve been waiting to say that?”

I sigh, and turn back toward the window:
“All day…”

Suddenly the dentist hooks me like a carp and I slowly fade into a sea of blood, and large sharp “instruments”. My last coherent thought for the next half an hour that didn’t begin with “ow” was:
“Totally worth it…”

*I’m sorry. For some reason I’m in a weird Spielberg funk.

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Birthday Ketchup

June 17th- Lucio Fulci is one of a number of film idols of mine, and holds the esteem of being the director of one of the most horrifying, frighting, and gory movies I’ve ever seen: Zombi 2.

June 18th- Will Betheboy is a friend-of-blog, and the author of my favorite story ever: A Merry Little Person Christmas.

June 19th- Friends-of-blog The CDP and Mrs. CDP got married 4 years ago today. I know it isn’t technically a birthday, but I write this blog and you don’t…

Happy Birthday/Anniversary everyone!

Redundancy

A couple of weeks ago I was watching the History Channel and interesting commercial popped up:

This caught me off guard because the “Cavemen” television show never had timing, or dull wit to make me laugh like I did when I first saw this commercial. Of course I’ve only seen the show once (I thought the irony was too painful), but from what I seen it was destine to be a failure.

Dry acting, bad writing, and an overall strange/undeserved air of superiority drove away what limited audience a TV show about cavemen would have. If they focused on better writing than just hoping that the plot would just imply funny, and shifted their direction towards a more sitcom style they could’ve done a lot better.

Heck, I could do better… Which is why I wrote the following e-mail.

Dear ABC,

Upon witnessing the Gieco/History Channel joint commercial I realized that you severely mishandled the television series known as “Cavemen”. The plot behind the show was incredibly shaky to begin with, and then you started to crap all over it.

Right now I’m offering you a one time deal: Give me complete creative control and 6 episode re-commitment, and I will at least double whatever investment you lay on the table.

If you are worried about my age or general experience, remember this, no one else offered… You don’t even have pay me conventually: All I require is an assistant for me, an assistant for my writing partner Ophelia, a Station wagon filled half way with gummy worms , 13 boxes of Ritz crackers, a Macbook, and all meals/general expenses/Internet purchases paid for.

I am waiting for your reply.

(and remember: No one else offered)

Your friend,

Vintage Caveman

Hamster-versary

 Exactly one year ago yesterday I received my lovely/schizophrenic hamster Ophelia.

It seems like just yesterday that I entered the pet store while hamster hunting and can across a singular incredibly pissed-off rodent. Ophelia was so ill tempered the owner of the store gave her to me because he was afraid to sell her to a child.

 

Since I first got her she seemed, oddly enough, to become more and more infatuated with me everyday (she likes to express love through making me bleed), but I mean who wouldn’t like me? Life with Caveman is all fun, peppered with Twizzlers and snack cakes.

 

Sometimes I lie awake at night listening to the infernal squeak (squeak, squeak, squeak) of the hamster wheel, and I figure the end of “us” will come once she grows bored of me. When that day comes there is no more turning my back on her cage because she seems like the type that would ambush you.

To me, she has become a kind of bitey pain in my ass that I’m surprised I haven’t accidentally killed yet, but I love the hell out of her.

…In Which Our Hero Gets A Little Heavy

Here’s a story from the two weeks I spent studying Buddhism (Long story. Indeed a blog post for another time.):

A man walking across a field spots a man-eating tiger. Fearing for his life, he runs. The tiger not being able to pass up a meal chases after him. Tiger chases him to edge of cliff, and the man falls off.
Halfway down, he grabs onto a plant. The tiger sniffed at him from above. Terrified, the man looked down to where, far below, another tiger had come, waiting to eat him.
Meanwhile two rodents in the commotion noticed the uneaten plant sticking out of the side of cliff and they begin to chow down.  The man was certain he was going to die.
Suddenly out of the corner of his eye the man notices a luscious wild strawberry growing on the same plant that was keeping him alive for the time being. He plucks it and eats it.
That strawberry was the single greatest he has ever had.

The general meaning of the story is that no matter what is going on in your life, you should savor ever little moment. I can’t recommend this enough…

(The sub context is that my a grandfather is sick…and I it frightens me sometimes.  Being the sucky person I am means when something bad happens I completely shut down, and stories like the above reminds me to do stuff like normal people should.

Sorry I bummed you out.)

Quick “Diary of the Dead” Review

I received George A. Romero’s newest addition to his ever popular “of the Dead” series, “Diary of the Dead”, late last Saturday night. and I spent the better part of that Sunday watching the hell out of it.
Although I can’t say “Diary” is the best zombie movie I ever seen, the fantastic use of the newly popular handy cam style, and the all out ballsyness of the production crew definitely qualifies this for the top 5.

pros:

  • A fantastic use and expansion of the “handy cam” filming style.
  • Solid commentary on culture today.
  • Not too gory. (Just gory enough.)
  • A triumphant return to the classic low budget zombie flick.
  • Well put together.

cons:

  • Poor acting. (Really? What do you expect?)
  • Basic CGI and plot hole cheating.

In conclusion:
Some could believe I trusted Mr. Romero a bit to much, seeing I purchased “Diary” without even attending the theatrical run (which was incredibly limited), but that trust was well founded. “Diary of the Dead” is a really interesting look at how the Internet and new media changed the way we get our information and live our day to day lives.
This movie is undoubtedly a solid rental, but if your thing is walking deadw or new and inventive styles of film making I can’t recommend this movie enough for purchase.

Standard Score:7.5/10

Horror Movie Score: 4 severed fingers out of 5

Nuff Said..

If you need me anytime in the near future you are out of luck…

I got this in the mail when I got home last night:

Diary of the Dead..

Running time of an hour and thirty six minutes.
Plus rewatching it with director’s commentary.
Plus the documentary feature.
Plus 2 or 3 small DVD features, and outtakes.
And 5 contest winning short zombies films.

I can estimate about 5+ hours until I reemerge.

See you then…