Category Archives: Caveman

A Relative After My Own Heart

My heritage is drastically split into distinct sections…Cavedad’s “idyllic worker” German side and Cavemom’s swishy/virtually unremarkable French-Canadian side.

  • Since I’ve never met the entirety of my Father’s side of the family I can only go on his example that the German Cavemen are very tough, nose to the grindstone people which obviously does not reflect my free spirit.
  • The Franco-Canadian Cavemen, to whom I’ve spent my entire life with, are completely (for lack of a better word) normal, which is out of standard with the idiosyncrasies of the Vintage Caveman.

I’m just a round peg with nothing but square hole when it comes to my family….Or so I thought until about a year ago when Cavemom told me the story of my Grandmother’s Uncle.

>My Great-Uncle (lets call him Barney) was the truly the black sheep of the Franc-Canucks Cavemen. He rejected the path the rest of his his family (which at the time was working in textile mills) and forged his own. Unfortunately, “Barney” got himself wrap into some illegal actives (Cavemom won’t tell me) and was sent to the brand-new, “unescapable” county jail the next city over.

“Barney” had no major issues with the whole “being sent jail” thing…it was the “unescapable” part that pissed him off. See, “Barney” had a very rebellious streak (which probably got him into jail in the first place), and no one could tell him he couldn’t do something..

Roughly a month after entry he escapes, and makes it into the Maine history books. Shortly after his unauthorized exit, he was discovered sitting on a park bench waiting to be picked up. A month later he escapes again, just to further “drive in his point”.<

It’s that rebellious, “fuck you” attitude that makes me feel like I wasn’t kidnapped by Gypsies and sold to my current family.

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The Balki To Your Larry

Saturday was the 6th ever live airing of the ever infamous BetheMarriage on Ice. It’s one hell of a good show if you ever get a chance to see it, and I suggest you do… You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll feel slightly molested.

Anyways, this 6th ‘episode’ marks the first use of the Skype call-in line. Normally a call-in line would be nothing really special, but those who stayed to around the hour and a half mark were treated to a surprise call from the one-and-only Vintage Caveman.

I say ‘surprise call’ mainly because no one knew I was going to call, not even me. The thing is..I’m a mid-level social person. I’ll meet some friends for coffee, I’ll join in a little light conversation at a party, but ask me to stand up in front of people and talk about anything and you will see true fear. It’s like cornering a wild animal.

I figured that if I am to become a normal human being I should force myself into more in-depth social situations. When that number flashed on the screen for the last time that night I took my chances, said “fuck it”, and dialed it on my cell phone.. As they say “the rest is history”.

I feel I was a little nervous (I was actually shaking a bit. I’m such a nerd.) and a couple of things I said for “the funny” came off as “not the funny”, but that is expected without anytime to filter myself. I’m a blogger not a phone person, what can I say?

Much thanks to Slack and The Boy

Caveman: The Dark Knight?

As far back as I can remember my love of super heroes and the like have had a decently large place in my life (not overly obsessive, but it’s big), but Batman has been different. Batman quickly surfaced as a favorite at a very young age because I could kind of identify with him.

Growing up I knew there was no way I was the last son of a recently destroyed planet, going to develop super speed, be chosen by alien guardians to police the galaxy with a super ring, and I’m pretty sure I was never raised on a mysterious island by Amazons. The only thing that made Batman special was his mind and that resonated with me in a very weird way. I watched every episode of “Batman: The Animated Series”, had a small army of Batman action figures, and basically worshiped the ground that fictional character walked on.

Kid Caveman as The Batman.
I know..."What happened?"
You are a very funny person..

As I grew up I started to move farther and farther apart from my super hero idol, but the funny thing about “The Caped Crusader” is that no matter how far you run you won’t be able to evade him.

Around 8th grade I was introduced to to ancient Greece, more specifically the Greek tragedies, and the more I read the more I thought: Batman. Themes like the scorned hero, the eternal fight for justice, revenge, and even the unconquerable evil we sometimes must face seemed like they were all pulled out of the Batman handbook. The symmetry and artistry in motion was just plain beautiful.

Things that make me a huge Batman fan: (+20 nerd cred)

  • My first Internet pseudonym was Matches Malone
  • I own an almost complete collection of the greatest Batman graphic novels (I’m just missing Alan Moore’s “The Killing Joke“)
  • I’ve already decide that my first son’s name will either be Bruce or Oliver (Oliver is the name of the Green Arrow)
  • My home is called “the Cave Cave” (or “the Matt Cave” if you want to use real names…)
  • One of my first nerd crushes was Yvonne Craig
  • I paid for me, Cavedad, and sister to go see “Batman Forever“. I was 6…
  • These are some of my most prized possessions:
  • A copy of the original government issued patent (as seen on Be the Marriage) and picture of the original television Batmobile. Both signed by George Barris, it’s creator.

Redundancy

A couple of weeks ago I was watching the History Channel and interesting commercial popped up:

This caught me off guard because the “Cavemen” television show never had timing, or dull wit to make me laugh like I did when I first saw this commercial. Of course I’ve only seen the show once (I thought the irony was too painful), but from what I seen it was destine to be a failure.

Dry acting, bad writing, and an overall strange/undeserved air of superiority drove away what limited audience a TV show about cavemen would have. If they focused on better writing than just hoping that the plot would just imply funny, and shifted their direction towards a more sitcom style they could’ve done a lot better.

Heck, I could do better… Which is why I wrote the following e-mail.

Dear ABC,

Upon witnessing the Gieco/History Channel joint commercial I realized that you severely mishandled the television series known as “Cavemen”. The plot behind the show was incredibly shaky to begin with, and then you started to crap all over it.

Right now I’m offering you a one time deal: Give me complete creative control and 6 episode re-commitment, and I will at least double whatever investment you lay on the table.

If you are worried about my age or general experience, remember this, no one else offered… You don’t even have pay me conventually: All I require is an assistant for me, an assistant for my writing partner Ophelia, a Station wagon filled half way with gummy worms , 13 boxes of Ritz crackers, a Macbook, and all meals/general expenses/Internet purchases paid for.

I am waiting for your reply.

(and remember: No one else offered)

Your friend,

Vintage Caveman

Hamster-versary

 Exactly one year ago yesterday I received my lovely/schizophrenic hamster Ophelia.

It seems like just yesterday that I entered the pet store while hamster hunting and can across a singular incredibly pissed-off rodent. Ophelia was so ill tempered the owner of the store gave her to me because he was afraid to sell her to a child.

 

Since I first got her she seemed, oddly enough, to become more and more infatuated with me everyday (she likes to express love through making me bleed), but I mean who wouldn’t like me? Life with Caveman is all fun, peppered with Twizzlers and snack cakes.

 

Sometimes I lie awake at night listening to the infernal squeak (squeak, squeak, squeak) of the hamster wheel, and I figure the end of “us” will come once she grows bored of me. When that day comes there is no more turning my back on her cage because she seems like the type that would ambush you.

To me, she has become a kind of bitey pain in my ass that I’m surprised I haven’t accidentally killed yet, but I love the hell out of her.

Geek: The Origins

For Antisocial Networking’s “Coming out of Comic Book Closet” contest:

It may surprise some of you (sarcasm), but I was geeked from birth. Straight from the get go “the Simpsons” were almost the entirety of my life, and my hero was either Herman Munster, Maxwell Smart, or Batman (it switched around a lot). I believe I can blame a good chunk of my geekiness on my father never censored what media I was exposed to. I mean, my father took me to see “Escape from L.A.” when it came out…I was seven.

Like most people I was not aware who I was right away (I’m actually still unsure), but I ran into a pretty large signpost in the fifth grade:

It was a day or two before Christmas and the teacher (who was noticeably hung over) declared the we were going have a trivia contest, and we had to split up in to groups. Me being the socially awkward child I was I wasn’t to happy to do the whole “group thing” so the teacher paired me with the “weird kid” (who interestingly enough burnt down two buildings six years later). The contest started and it was almost all popular culture.

An hour and 50 to 70 questions later my team had won by an overwhelming margin (I can’t remember, but I was at least 200 points past everyone). That moment of victory and the crushing alienation of my peers because of my victory cemented the fact that I was indeed a geek.

I all went down hill from there for the young geek Caveman. A month later I started collecting comic books, and two months after that I started the Hobbit (which oddly cemented my love of reading).

Cave Painting

A good while back I discovered through some random blog posting that artist Ali Spagnola would paint whatever you wanted and send it to you for free.

(from the website) “I want you to have my art. It is priceless. As in, I haven’t put a price on it. I can’t make sense of putting a price on my work. But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t get rid of it. I can’t keep all of these paintings so you should own one. I’m giving them away to anyone that asks. So take one. Its Fine Art, I swear.”

Me being the one who couldn’t pass up a free offer if I wanted to, I emailed and requested a caveman (I’m sorry…it is like my thing). Time passed on, and I completely forgot about my request…that is until I got an email from Ali. The email was very simple, stating apologies for being so late and that my painting was finished. I sent along my address and feverishly laid in wait.

My painting arrived today, and I got to say that there no cooler feeling than having someone paint something for you. I just got figure out where I’m going to put it.

Looks just like me.

If you want a free painting just stop by Ali’s website, look over some of the stuff she has done, and pop her an email. She has got a great style. Unfortunately, there might be a slight wait due to the call of free art being so powerful, but trust me it is fully worth the wait.

While on Ali’s site feel free to roam around a bit and you might just discover that Ali isn’t just a talented artist, but she is a fantastic musician as well…